I keep telling myself that hoping is good. That hanging on to my small hopes are what i'm suppose to do.
On nights like these i doubt that.
If none of you want me around, if all of you forget about me, then why should i continue to hope?
Why hasn't anyone liked me enough to try? Why is it i keep finding a lack of reliable people in my life?

I can't hold much against you can I? You seem to be trying even even ever so slightly. Trust be told i absolutely hate talking to you online, but i'll continue to do it if you continue to talk.
I'm still going to write the letter. How I write it though will be the key. I can't wallow in self pity. I have to recognize that you have made some efforts.
I still want to talk. I still want to ask if you even recognize your actions. it's still uneven i feel.
I think we're both trying to steer this in different directions. You're making an effort but at all costs making sure we stay firmly in the friend category. I am trying to reinstate something deeper no matter the outcome. Truthfully i don't think it could end badly, but it requires us both opening up so it's no use as long as you hold me at arms length.
I'm still going to write the letter. I'm still going to tell you what i think and feel. I'm still going to hope.

two cliff hangers
I'm dead

I'm still looking for you. I'm still waiting.
i thought i had found you.
I thought you might have auburn hair and green eyes. i thought you might play cello like a natural and tennis like a pro. I thought you might be perfect. But you never saw me and i wasn't ready to be seen.
i thought you might have curly hair, long enough to run my hand through again and again and blue eyes too easy to get lost in. I though i could see something more in your eyes. i thought I could do it, i didn't think it would be so hard. i though since i liked you it would just work. But you never really understood, and i couldn't hold it together long enough to explain.
I thought I met you though finding stability. I thought you were a gift from some higher being. I thought you had soft light brown hair and gray blue eyes. You held me like you never wanted to let go and i tried to hang on to every little thing. But distance and circumstance defeated us and i couldn't except defeat. So you let go in order to move forward.
I thought you might possible be Australian, but you ran from me as quickly as you came.
Maybe you're tall and lanky with a voice and personality like a singing bird.
I haven't found you yet, but what i do know is all those that came before are teaching me so i'm ready for you. I've learned to not live in fantasy. I've learned to breath when all i want to do is hold it forever. I've learned to except disappointment, hurt, and pain. I've learned to move on.
I'm still waiting for you. I know I'll be ready when you come.

I didn't mean to. I wasn't even really thinking about it. Then I got hit.
Do you know what hit me?
An image. A memory. A guy and a girl, walking rather fast, down the side walk. Hand in hand. Both out of their minds. She's wearing a smile on her face, shyly. His face is in his general state of concern. He turns them to get off the busy street. They disappear into the dark.
I didn't meant to. I swear. I didn't know it would hit me so hard.
All i can say is it was a real feeling of remorse. I real feeling of pain.

All at once I miss you again. As if nothing has changed.

In one year....
...I've learned the meaning of living.
...I've learned what true friendship is.
...I've experience pain and hurt.
...and I've learned I can handle it.
...I've taken a step closer to understanding what love is.
...I've reassured myself of the kind of person I am.
...I've met and lost people I will never forget.
...I've grown.
...I've lived
...I've loved.
...I've laughed.
...I've learned.

And I know I will do it all again with different people, in different places, at different times.

If I stop coming around would you miss me?
I know I shouldn't think this way. It's not helpful.
Why did you change so much, so quickly?

I feel kinda flattered actually. No one else has cared enough to say it to my face.
I've been through so much fake crap, fake caring, fake feelings, fake excuses. It's refreshing to have someone be honest with me and apologize honestly.
I doubt you know how shocked i was that it happened at all. I had little faith i guy like you could like a girl like me.
This isn't to say i'm not sad it ended. I'm bummed out completely. My boat got rocked but don't worry i found my balance before you came along.

I hope you don't give up on being my friend. And truthfully for the moment, i hope you figure out what you need to figure out and come back to me.

Somewhere i found the strength I always need.

"If you love something let it go, if it was real it will come back to you, if it doesn't it was never meant to be..."

Today my worlds a little gray,
but tomorrow is another day.

I'm slowly finding
I'm the worst at timing.

We played this game
we thought it was tame

The world keeps turning
and we keep learning
Leaning to be okay

Although I hate to be here again.
What the hell else can I say.

I don't understand. What am I doing wrong. why is it everyone acts friendly to me then ditches me at their easiest convinence.

Do you all secretly hate me or something, that whenever you can you don't include me. Or more likely is it just that i'm still that girl no one sees.

What about you? I'm already confused, but atleast yesterday you seemed to show some concern that i wasn't going with the group. So why didn't you come find me tonight. What the hell am I to you? Am i reading you completely wrong?

I'm so unsure and confused now. And already hurt.

what a great beginning.

:(

If you want me you better catch me. You better make a move. I'm not waiting around anymore. I'm not on my hanches wondering what you'll decide. I'm moving forward and something tells me you haven't noticed at all. It's alright though. If this is the way it's meant to be, if this is your decision, I have nothing left to say. I made up my mind and i can't decide yours for you.

If this is good bye then good bye.

i remember this feeling.
This doesn't really surprize me. i know the past repeats itself over and over again.
I am surprized this is what it came to, though. But then maybe not.
All the times i said i was better before, truthfully I knew I wasn't completely. This time i'm not faking a smile. I'm not waiting for someone else to notice that i'm better. I'm not worried I'll feel bad again later.
In the past i've felt silly when I've taken a step forward. I've felt like it took me to long to find the right conclusion, but this time I simply understand.
If I regret anything, which I don't really, it's for the mistakes I made before this that I might not be able to mend.

So to shift everything that has brought me down in the last year.
-It took stepping away. Not in the since that i thought it would. It took saying "this doesn't concern me anymore" but in a very neutral way. It took recognizing that he was happy even if that doesn't include you, and remembering that once, a long time ago it feels like, that was all that really mattered to you when it came to him. It took coming to the crossroads of choosing between stepping back and excepting her and begrudging her, and maybe missing out on something.
-It took being strong. It took having confidence that i'm someone worth knowing even with my flaws. This doesn't mean i'm perfect. It just mean things will happen how they are going to happen. I have to do what i feel is good and right for me, but i understand that i can't do everything and if at some point if someone isn't responding to my tries it's alright for me to let go of them. My friends don't define who I am, but they do add to my life and i deserve to spend my time with those that feel I add something to their life. I will remember I am never alone. Even if I'm physically alone, I know i have people who are therefore me no matter what.

You i am not done with. I have more to apologizes for I think. You happened at the end of all of this and I think because of that you bore more of the brunt of my unhappiness than anyone else involved.
The fact of the matter is I would like to be close to you again in some way. I know my words don't have much pull anymore for you. You've heard to many things from me. So I will wait and see what time brings me.

Am I worth nothing? Is that why you left so easily?
I feel like I'm worthless.
Do you remember caring about me? you did once.
I'm that pathetic girl aren't I?
I'm the one always on the outside looking in.
no one will let me in.

I don't know what to do.
I feel like I'm being punished for just trying to live.

What do you think of me now?

Night's like there are what i hate.
You weren't busy. You weren't doing homework.
When did i fall so far in your standing?
Why am i no longer of any importance to you?
I'm don't mean to sound selfish.
I really don't understand.

How am I suppose to feel about this?
The expectation seems to be that I'm suppose to be emotionless.
The only way to get you back it seems to to act like you don't mean a thing to me.
Are you done with me? Did you tire of my faults?

All i hear is what i've done wrong.
All i hear is how it's my fault and how it will be my fault if i do anything.

No matter what I try to seem to no longer be worth your time.
I'm still wondering why your words mean everything and mine mean nothing.
Why is your pain more important than mine? Why do you get to decide everything?
Should I even try to ask anymore why you let go of me?

Why am I still trying to care about you?

I'm still looking for peace.

So, for the sake of posterity, lets recap on what in two days became of the seemingly perfectly fine symphonic band section.
So there's me of course.
Then there's A.J., the roommate of ex-boyfriend, who truthfully i'm just fine with but i'm reminded every so ofter that he has seen me in my bra.
Then there's Erin, the new girlfriend of the ex-boyfriend, who i'm really really trying not to hate and i really hope doesn't give me any reason to.
Then there's Arthur, the one time close friend a very short time boyfriend, who successfully cut me completely out of his life and i have no idea where i stand with.
And last Storm who's just a climbing, skate-boarding, innocent by-stander.
Oh good god, it's certainly going to be interesting.

If I make it through this year with out exploding or killing someone i think i'm going to be very lucky.

i wonder how much more i can take. if there was a God he would be testing me, but i don't believe in god so all of this is my own doing.
You knew this day would come, hon. Maybe that makes it a little easier.
Keep you chin up, kid. it only last forever if you prolong it.
here's to trying to be a better person.
here's to trying my best to avoid hate.
here's to looking forward instead of always looking back

My list of people i miss has grown alot in the past year. I'll do my best to not loose anyone else.

I feel empty.
I feel lost.
I am not this person.
But that's all i am.
I don't understand.
why doesn't anything make sense?
What's the point in fighting if i can't do anything?
Why does no one hear me?
Why am I here again?

I'm not lying.
You don't see me.
I'm not being dramatic.
You ignore me.
I'm not imagining it.
You forget about me.
How am i supposed to feel about this?

Why are my thought ignored?
Why is my side not important?

You can give me no answer so like always I'm on my own.

So what I learn from life is that for the most part I'm on my own. For the most part, if i want something done I'll do it on my own.

I don't feel any better.
I don't want it to be this way.

I feel wrecked.
What have I done?
What can i possibly be worth, if i act like this?
But I know i'm not this person. I know I can be a different person with you.
So why did I do it? Why did I ruin something that meant so much to me?
Why do I feel like i'm in silence? My word no matter what they say don't reach anyone.
They don't reach you.
Why did I choose those things to say? Out of all the things i've written, i can only express the hurt.
Would you see me clearly if you read this, if i could say all of this to you?
Would you understand?
Would you forgive me? Would you let me come back?
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

I thought i would want to explain. I thought i would want to hear both sides of it. I thought that the only way i could move forward was if everything was put out in the open. Who knew all i needed was for you talk to me again? Do you understand? I would jump if you said jump.
My heart is jumping now.
Do you know how easily i fall for you?
I don't think you do. And I'm pretty sure it's my fault.
I think there are many others who mean more to you. Who never hurt you like i did.
I've shot myself in the foot it seems.
I'm sorry. It's all i can say.

I mean it when i say i see more clearly each day. I have to grow. Being stagnant would be unbearable. I've been there.
I'll grow if only to never be there again.

It's horrible but my world is tainted. My memories are painted in pain, hurt and disappointment. Since last year. nothing is as it was, which i know is a stupid thing to say but, if only to illustrate my point, it's the truth. I can remember a time when I was happy. When friends were stable, when a crush was just a a crush and didn't imply being actually *crushed*. I can remember when liking someone meant that i giggled to much around them and was too shy, never that i hurt them. never that I pushed them away. Is it bad i'm wishing to be shy again. To be innocent again. To not know what pain is? I think everyone who's ever had pain wishes for that. I'm ridiculous sometimes I think. What i'm saying is i liked it better when i didn't expect people to like me. When my expectations for myself were lower. When I didn't think I was worth much. At least I wasn't let down as much.

I'm tired of happy memories being ruined.